Therapy Follow Up

I wrote a post earlier this week about my anxiety over seeing a new therapist today. I wanted to write a follow up post because a few people were interested in hearing how it went.

When I left for my appointment this morning I was in a good headspace and actually felt ready to talk about some of my issues. I had to drive forty minutes to his office and when I was about half way there I all the sudden started panicking about it. My thoughts started racing about how I always drop out of therapy after a couple sessions so why bother? Counseling never works for me so why am I trying? Who’s idea was it to see a man in the first place when I am so uncomfortable around men?

I had some how convinced myself that it was not worth my time and that I wasn’t going, but I kept driving. I was anxious about finding the place but it was relatively easy. I parked and sat there for a while. I was starting to have physical symptoms of anxiety and actually crying. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? How am I ever suppose to get better if I can’t even walk in the door.

I started thinking about my life and what I want and I just knew that it was the right thing to do. I texted my best friend and told her I was panicking about seeing a new therapist and she gave me some reassurance. I know this probably sounds so dramatic to people and you’re probably thinking that I’m crazy for being this worked up over one appointment. You’re right, I am super crazy – hence why I need therapy.

I somehow made it inside and met this new therapist and it was all okay. I filled out paperwork and then he asked me to tell him about my life which is hard for me because I never know where to start. He started asking questions and the hour flew by. I actually felt like he was listening and reassuring because he would ask clarifying questions, etc. I have had therapist in the past scroll on their phone the whole session, so this was nice.

I don’t know why I get so anxious about therapy but I am so proud of myself for putting one foot in front of the other and going. Now I just need to stick with it.

Therapy

As I mentioned in my weekly wrap up on Sunday, I’m starting therapy again this week. Since I went to rehab in 2016 I have been to many different therapists and participated in multiple intensive outpatient programs (mainly, DBT). I have not been in counseling though for almost a year. I have tried to see a couple different people but I didn’t stick with it because I always felt such negative energy when I was working with these therapists. It’s important for me to be able to have some sort of connection with someone in order to open up and be vulnerable.

I am anxious to start therapy again for a few reasons. Starting completely new with someone means I need to explain my life. I know it’s necessary in order for the therapist to understand me and help but I always leave initial sessions feeling like crap. This often leads to me not wanting to go back, even though I know it will be beneficial. I need to remember that feeling down in therapy is part of the process.

I am also a bit anxious because the therapist I am going to be working with is a man. I have a lot of trauma history and have a very hard time being around men alone (besides my partner and father) let alone opening up to them about my life. I have been able to email back and forth and talk to my new therapist on the phone so I feel a little better than if I were to just walk in without any prior communication.

Sometimes I feel like therapy is pointless. I have tried and failed so many times and never seem to feel any better. I work in the mental health field so I know that therapy works in conjunction with medication and that it is definitely necessary for me in order to process trauma but I am still skeptical.