“They are scared of women like you. Women with hearts big enough to house suitcases full of pain. Women with laughs so therapeutic they can heal wounds. Women with passion fierce enough to start wildfires. They are scared of what they can’t tame or understand.” -Unknown
I have plenty of ups and downs this week – sometimes it feels like I take three steps forward and then five steps back.
Work has been less stressful. My department has hired a couple new per diem employees so they are picking up the extra shifts and I’m not having to work overtime. Going from 55-60 hours a week to 40 is nice. Although I will miss the extra money in my check! I am thankful for the timing though as my classes start next week.
I was able to get my financial aid approved for school and registered for classes. I’m taking statistics and psych research methods, I’m excited to get started!
I have been feeling significantly lonely the last week. Ever since I stopped using and hanging out with the people I used with I have really isolated myself. I only spend time with my boyfriend and dog and immediately family. The longer I go like this the worse it gets and eventually the thought of people around people causes so much anxiety I can’t get myself to reach out and make connections.
This week, my boyfriend went to see one of his friends and I stayed home. This should not be an issue. I know it is VERY codependent and unhealthy for my to expect him to only spend time with me but I still freak out and get so anxious. I’m jealous that he has friends that he hangs out with and it’s so easy for him. I miss my old friends that I pushed away when I used. I hate feeling abandoned. I know it’s an irrational fear and that my boyfriend can hangout with his friends and is still going to come home at night. But I work myself up so. Much.
More on that later. Off to snuggle the pup and enjoy my night off. Have a great week!
I hope you all like the picture of my boy. There is no real reason behind me choosing this picture today. It was 8 degrees out and Lincoln and I are both getting cabin fever. This picture reminds me of sunny days that will hopefully reappear soon!
Anyways, I wanted to write a bit about instant gratification because it’s on my mind today. What is it about my brain that is constantly giving in to short term fixes/rewards. For example, I am trying to get into shape for my cousins wedding. I know how to lose weight, I have lost weight before but I still eat way too much chocolate and carbs! Then I get annoyed at myself after and feel bad about it because I know the situation could have been avoided.
Drug use is another example of instant gratification that I have consistently engaged in. I never developed positive coping skills and the first time I experienced how drugs took every ounce of pain away, I was hooked. Why would I go to therapy and talk about my problems when I can use heroin forget them all? There are obvious answers to this, but for a very long time my brain was wired to turn to dope to deal with my anxiety and depression and any other emotion I could possibly feel. Cutting/Burning was always the same. I didn’t want to feel emotional pain and hurting myself took it away for that moment.
I am working on this day by day and focusing on my long term goals when my mind starts to wander towards drugs or self-harm. Fortunately, I know what good coping mechanisms are and am learning to slowly develop and rely on them as time goes on. My impulsivity scares me sometimes, but for today I am okay.
“There is never a sudden revelation, a complete and tidy explanation for why it happened, or why it ends, or why or who you are. You want one and I want one, but there isn’t one. It comes in bits and pieces, and you stitch them together wherever they fit, and when you are done you hold yourself up, and still there are holes and you are a rag doll, invented, imperfect. And yet you are all that you have, so you must be enough. There is no other way.”
-Marya Hornbacher, Wasted
What a long week! My boyfriend and I spent three days back and forth to the bank and a used car dealership in order to get him a new work truck. I swear if something can go wrong for me, it will. We bought the truck about two hours from our house and it drove GREAT all the way home. The next morning all these dash lights were flashing and the truck had no power. We took it to a dealer close by to look at and they said it needed $2500 worth of work after we just dropped 12k the day before. UGHHHHHH of course. Then as we are leaving the dealership of course a rock smashes the brand new windshield (yes, that’s the type of luck I have). Now imagine a girl with borderline and bipolar 2 and her short tempered boyfriend trying to stay calm during all of this. What an ordeal!
So we’ve been dealing with what to do about the truck and replacing a window in my car that randomly broke in the cold last week. Hopefully it all gets sorted out soon. Yesterday I attended my cousins funeral who died by suicide last week. This was one of the hardest funerals I’ve been and my heart still hurts. I was very anxious going to the funeral because I have a very hard time in crowds and I knew it would be packed. One of my close friends died by suicide at the same age my sophomore year of college as well so I knew there would be emotions and memories surfacing. I am glad I made it though as I saw a lot of family I haven’t seen in a while. I am really going to focus this year on reaching out to my cousins more instead of only seeing each other at funerals. We need more positivity.
I took a few days off from work this week as yesterday was my boyfriends 30th birthday and we are spending the weekend in Connecticut with his family. Another HUGE trigger for me. I love him and his family so much but I am comfortable at home with my dog (and that’s about it). Plus I have track marks and scars all over me from back when I was using and self-harming and I get self conscious around people I don’t see regularly. I am going to try to relax and have a nice weekend though.
I’ve decided to start adding a weekly summary type of post like this one to my blog. Just the highlights and struggles of my week I guess. Plus one of my favorite quotes I’ve read that week! The one above is from Wasted by Marya Hornbacher. I reread this book for the fifth time (at least) this week. I Love Marya and have read all her books. Madness is my other favorite, I definitely recommend.
I am beyond frustrated with myself this week (well the last few weeks I guess). I can’t seem to get out of my own head and just make better decisions. I know what I need to do in order to get my life back together but for some reason I can’t (or won’t) put one foot in front of the other.
As I’ve previously mentioned I’ve struggled with addiction on top of my mental illness for quite some time. I have always had very destructive coping mechanisms (self harm, eating disorders, promiscuity) but the drug use is one that has affected my life the most over the last few years.
I detoxed from opiates a couple months ago and have not used them since but am still struggling immensely with other substances. Heroin was going to kill me quickly so I am thankful that I am off that shit but sometimes it feels like everything else is just as bad. It may not kill me immediately but what it is doing to my emotional and mental health seems just as detrimental.
I haven’t used today and don’t plan to. Hopefully I will wake up tomorrow and feel the same way. I can’t stand the thought of being a drug addict for the rest of my life. There is so much more I want to do and accomplish. I am trying to find things that keep me busy and make me happy without self-medicating. I am writing and reading and cleaned my whole house today so that’s a start.
I know this post is not the most uplifting but it’s where I’m at.