“They are scared of women like you. Women with hearts big enough to house suitcases full of pain. Women with laughs so therapeutic they can heal wounds. Women with passion fierce enough to start wildfires. They are scared of what they can’t tame or understand.” -Unknown
I have plenty of ups and downs this week – sometimes it feels like I take three steps forward and then five steps back.
Work has been less stressful. My department has hired a couple new per diem employees so they are picking up the extra shifts and I’m not having to work overtime. Going from 55-60 hours a week to 40 is nice. Although I will miss the extra money in my check! I am thankful for the timing though as my classes start next week.
I was able to get my financial aid approved for school and registered for classes. I’m taking statistics and psych research methods, I’m excited to get started!
I have been feeling significantly lonely the last week. Ever since I stopped using and hanging out with the people I used with I have really isolated myself. I only spend time with my boyfriend and dog and immediately family. The longer I go like this the worse it gets and eventually the thought of people around people causes so much anxiety I can’t get myself to reach out and make connections.
This week, my boyfriend went to see one of his friends and I stayed home. This should not be an issue. I know it is VERY codependent and unhealthy for my to expect him to only spend time with me but I still freak out and get so anxious. I’m jealous that he has friends that he hangs out with and it’s so easy for him. I miss my old friends that I pushed away when I used. I hate feeling abandoned. I know it’s an irrational fear and that my boyfriend can hangout with his friends and is still going to come home at night. But I work myself up so. Much.
More on that later. Off to snuggle the pup and enjoy my night off. Have a great week!
“Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can’t cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It’s just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and fun as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal.”
-Cheryl Strayed, Tiny Beautiful Things
There have been a lot of ups and downs this week, where do I even begin. I had a normal work week which was nice as I like having a routine. Work is still taking a bit to get use to right now because we now have two people on my shift three nights a week. Normally I always work alone so this is very strange for me. In all honesty, it is probably a good thing. I tend to not put in a ton of effort to interact with other humans besides my immediate family and the longer I go like that the harder it seems to get. The woman that now works second shift with me is great. She is also working on a graduate degree and is just very laid back and insightful and we have great conversations. Maybe I’ve made a friend?
I haven’t written much about health and exercise on here but that was a big part of my week as well. I have also been very active (as far back as I can remember) so exercise is a huge part of my life. When I went to rehab in 2016 I gained some weight and have had a hard time getting/keeping it off. I have tried not to be too hard on myself about this because at least I’m not shooting heroin everyday but I still want to be healthy. The exercise part is not the problem for me, it’s food. It’s like as soon as I put drugs down I can’t stop eating carbs! I know there is a physiological component of this as well but it gets so frustrating! Anyways, I started a new workout program this week that I absolutely love and have actually done really well in terms of nutrition. I am trying not to be super strict because that never leads to a good place for me. I will definitely make a post when I finish the program and let you all know how I liked it/my results.
I did a whole post on my therapy situation this week so I won’t go into that. I can say that my mood this week hasn’t been the best. Over the last month or so I have been trying to be upbeat and optimistic about things but I’ve just been down. I get into this mindset about why I’m even bothering to stay off drugs and be productive when I am still depressed all the time. I have been trying to blame it on the season or on needing new meds but who am I kidding. It does not matter the season or what meds I’m on, this has been my life for so long.
Anyways, I was trying to keep this post light and apparently that did not happen! Ranting and raving makes me feel better though so something good comes out of it. I hope everyone has a great week.