Update – October 27, 2019

I have been grappling with the idea up an ‘update’ post for the last couple of months. I didn’t want to write an update, promising myself that I would write regularly again only to let myself (and readers) down. I apologize for the radio silence. 

I have been struggling in every way possible for the last seven months. I relapsed and spiraled completely out of control. I stopped taking my meds. I went through an intense break up which somehow made that spiral even worse. I impulsively left my job and stopped attending my online classes. My mental health has deteriorated significantly. 

The relapse was rough, like every relapse is. I spent every hour of every day getting high or making money to get high. Going weeks without sleeping or eating, doing things I really did not want to do in order to use.

 I overdosed in a gas station bathroom on the fourth of July and had to be resuscitated by paramedics. I have overdosed many times in the past and was given Narcan, but this time was different. Reading the court affidavits scared me because there was literally no life to me when I was found. It’s hard to believe I was so close to death. I haven’t used heroin since that day and have been working hard to quit everything else. 

I recently started a new job and am trying to get back into the gym and other activities that I know I enjoy. It is SO hard to do though. All I want to do is sleep constantly or find a way to numb my pain. Thankfully, I have insurance again and will be seeing my doctor and therapist this coming week. 

This wasn’t really what I had in mind for an update post, but it will do the job for now. I will elaborate more on all of this at a later date. Thank you for reading. 

I Forgot to Die: Khalil Rafati

Book Review Disclaimer: These are my thoughts and opinions on books that I read related to addiction and mental health. They are in no way formal book reviews, that’s just the best way for me to describe them. Thank you for reading! If you have any book suggestions, I am always looking for inspiration.

First things first, this book and the man who wrote it are absolutely incredible. What caught my eye originally was the mugshot on the front cover. It reminds me so much of a picture I have of myself a few weeks before my second trip to rehab. Face sunken and picked at, the despair and powerlessness in my eyes. I had to read this guys story, and I’m so glad I did.

Khalil starts his memoir describing his upbringing and what lead him to drugs to begin with. I didn’t relate to much of what happened to Kahlil as a child and adolescent but I could relate to the emotion and feelings he described. Although I did not experience major trauma and lived with both my parents and sister, I suffered silently for many years, eventually leading me to drugs.

Khalil goes in depth about what it is really like being addicted to heroin and crack. He does not sugar coat it or leave anything out and that I appreciate because active addiction is scary and messy and lonely. He writes of multiple overdoses where he should have died (in one case did die and was resuscitated) and what it felt like to wake up in an emergency room with no one there. Khalil describes asking a nurse or doctor where his girlfriend and friends were, that surely they knew he had just overdosed and would be there to check on him, but no one was there. The truth is, when you are at rock bottom like that and so is everyone around you, those people won’t be there because they can’t focus on anyone else when they are trying to stay above water themselves.

I cried reading that section of his book because it reminded me of a time this past year that I ended up in the hospital. At the time, no one in my immediate family/support system knew I was using again. I had overdosed at my friends apartment and was resuscitated much like Khalil described during this scene of the book. Once I woke up at the hospital I was alone. The “friends” I was with were not there, I had not confided in my family or partner and was too afraid to call them. The doctor asked me if I could find a sober ride and let me leave. I was still falling in and out of consciousness because of the amount of heroin in my system and I just took off to get more. This was a real bottom for me, and realizing that the people I was spending all of my days with were not true friends hurt me more than anything because I genuinely cared for them. I will write much more in future posts about my experience with active drug use but I wanted to tell this story because I related so much to that empty feeling Khalil described.

” When I was alone I struggled with that. Being alive. I shouldn’t have survived the places and positions I’d put myself in. Most people don’t. Why had I? It certainly doesn’t have anything to do with being tougher or stronger because, trust me, many, many people who were stronger and tougher than I am didn’t make it. Too many people who were smarter than I am, kinder than I am, and just better human beings than I am died. And I don’t know why. To this day, I don’t know why. I still wrestle with guilt and confusion about it sometimes.” – Khalil Rafati

This quote resonates with me in a profound way. I have lost close friends and family to addiction in some way or another. Whether it was an accidental overdose, a car accident or suicide, addiction played a role. It may seem very strange to feel guilty about being alive but I feel this and know many others who do too. I ruminate on what I’ve done to myself and others while actively addicted to drugs and feel that I don’t deserve the life I have. It is confusing and something I struggle with a lot of days. I think Khalil describes the feeling perfectly.

Khalil does go into great depth about active addiction but also what it’s like to recover. What he has accomplished since getting clean is outstanding. I couldn’t help but want to be like him one day. Sharing my story in order to help other addicts is something I’ve always wanted to do and this book has inspired me to do so. I could go on and on about this memoir, it is that good. I strongly recommend it to anyone who either struggles with addiction or wants to learn more about it. Or if you just want to read about how a really messed up guy completely turned is life around.

Weekly Wrap Up – March 03, 2019

“They are scared of women like you. Women with hearts big enough to house suitcases full of pain. Women with laughs so therapeutic they can heal wounds. Women with passion fierce enough to start wildfires. They are scared of what they can’t tame or understand.” -Unknown

I have plenty of ups and downs this week – sometimes it feels like I take three steps forward and then five steps back.

Work has been less stressful. My department has hired a couple new per diem employees so they are picking up the extra shifts and I’m not having to work overtime. Going from 55-60 hours a week to 40 is nice. Although I will miss the extra money in my check! I am thankful for the timing though as my classes start next week.

I was able to get my financial aid approved for school and registered for classes. I’m taking statistics and psych research methods, I’m excited to get started!

I have been feeling significantly lonely the last week. Ever since I stopped using and hanging out with the people I used with I have really isolated myself. I only spend time with my boyfriend and dog and immediately family. The longer I go like this the worse it gets and eventually the thought of people around people causes so much anxiety I can’t get myself to reach out and make connections.

This week, my boyfriend went to see one of his friends and I stayed home. This should not be an issue. I know it is VERY codependent and unhealthy for my to expect him to only spend time with me but I still freak out and get so anxious. I’m jealous that he has friends that he hangs out with and it’s so easy for him. I miss my old friends that I pushed away when I used. I hate feeling abandoned. I know it’s an irrational fear and that my boyfriend can hangout with his friends and is still going to come home at night. But I work myself up so. Much.

More on that later. Off to snuggle the pup and enjoy my night off. Have a great week!

Instant Gratification

Lincoln playing in the leaves last fall (trying to remind myself that it is going to warm up eventually…)

I hope you all like the picture of my boy. There is no real reason behind me choosing this picture today. It was 8 degrees out and Lincoln and I are both getting cabin fever. This picture reminds me of sunny days that will hopefully reappear soon!

Anyways, I wanted to write a bit about instant gratification because it’s on my mind today. What is it about my brain that is constantly giving in to short term fixes/rewards. For example, I am trying to get into shape for my cousins wedding. I know how to lose weight, I have lost weight before but I still eat way too much chocolate and carbs! Then I get annoyed at myself after and feel bad about it because I know the situation could have been avoided.

Drug use is another example of instant gratification that I have consistently engaged in. I never developed positive coping skills and the first time I experienced how drugs took every ounce of pain away, I was hooked. Why would I go to therapy and talk about my problems when I can use heroin forget them all? There are obvious answers to this, but for a very long time my brain was wired to turn to dope to deal with my anxiety and depression and any other emotion I could possibly feel. Cutting/Burning was always the same. I didn’t want to feel emotional pain and hurting myself took it away for that moment.

I am working on this day by day and focusing on my long term goals when my mind starts to wander towards drugs or self-harm.  Fortunately, I know what good coping mechanisms are and am learning to slowly develop and rely on them as time goes on. My impulsivity scares me sometimes, but for today I am okay.

You Are Enough: Mandy Hale

Book Review Disclaimer: These are my thoughts and opinions on books that I read related to addiction and mental health. They are in no way formal book reviews, that’s just the best way for me to describe them. Thank you for reading! If you have any book suggestions, I am always looking for inspiration.

“Sometimes it takes getting pushed to the very edge before you can find your voice and courage to speak out again. Sometimes it takes hitting that rock bottom to realize you’re done descending, and it’s time to rise. Sometimes it takes being told you’re nothing — being made to feel like you’re nothing — to help you see that you are complete.” – Mandy Hale

I came across this book on goodreads.com and the title itself was enough to draw me in. I have never really felt like I was ‘enough’ at anything.. Whether it was grades in school, relationships, friendships, sports, etc. So I figured it wouldn’t hurt me to pick this one up off the shelf.

This book was a bit of a change of pace for me because everything I’ve been reading lately has been about addiction with some mental illness thrown in but not as prominent. Mandy wrote extensively about her journey with crippling anxiety and depression. She detailed the events that led her to rock bottom, what rock bottom can feel like, and how she climbed her way back.

One thing I appreciate so much is Mandy’s openness when talking about treatment for her depression and anxiety. Although our society has come a long way there is still so much stigma around mental illness and reaching out for help can be very difficult. Mandy attended first a partial hospitalization program (PHP) and then an intensive outpatient program (IOP). For those who are not familiar with this level of care,  PHP is normally where individuals attend group therapy Monday – Friday for anywhere from five to eight hours and usually consists of individual meetings with therapists and psychiatrists. IOP is a step down, in my experience three days per week for three to five hours.

I have participated in multiple IOP programs for my mental illness and PHP programs for addiction so I could relate to Mandy’s anxiety when she first started. Walking into a room full of strangers and having to talk about such sensitive subjects is so difficult. Reading about Mandy’s success and the amazing friendships she made while in PHP and IOP really made my heart full. It also kind of made me want to go back. That may sound weird but when I was in IOP a couple years ago I felt like I could actually relate to the people around me and felt comfortable talking about my illnesses. While I love having the support of my family and friends, sometimes I just need someone to talk to who has been through what I have.

One aspect of the book that initially caught me off guard was the sections where Mandy discussed her religious beliefs. Normally the minute I start reading about religion I stop because I have had a lot of bad experiences and I don’t feel like being pressured to believe anything specific. This was not like that for me. While Mandy did talk about her own beliefs and road to spirituality I feel that I actually benefited from reading about it instead of being turned off like I have previously.

Mandy struggled with feeling like she was not good enough for most of her life. She really made me (and I’m assuming most readers) understand that we are enough. We may not be perfect, but who is. Even though I have this madness in my brain and have a history with addiction that does not mean I am not worthy of life and love.

Weekly Wrap Up – February 24, 2019

“Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can’t cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It’s just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and fun as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal.”

-Cheryl Strayed, Tiny Beautiful Things

Such a photogenic pup!

There have been a lot of ups and downs this week, where do I even begin. I had a normal work week which was nice as I like having a routine. Work is still taking a bit to get use to right now because we now have two people on my shift three nights a week. Normally I always work alone so this is very strange for me. In all honesty, it is probably a good thing. I tend to not put in a ton of effort to interact with other humans besides my immediate family and the longer I go like that the harder it seems to get. The woman that now works second shift with me is great. She is also working on a graduate degree and is just very laid back and insightful and we have great conversations. Maybe I’ve made a friend? 

I haven’t written much about health and exercise on here but that was a big part of my week as well. I have also been very active (as far back as I can remember) so exercise is a huge part of my life. When I went to rehab in 2016 I gained some weight and have had a hard time getting/keeping it off. I have tried not to be too hard on myself about this because at least I’m not shooting heroin everyday but I still want to be healthy. The exercise part is not the problem for me, it’s food. It’s like as soon as I put drugs down I can’t stop eating carbs! I know there is a physiological component of this as well but it gets so frustrating! Anyways, I started a new workout program this week that I absolutely love and have actually done really well in terms of nutrition. I am trying not to be super strict because that never leads to a good place for me. I will definitely make a post when I finish the program and let you all know how I liked it/my results.

I did a whole post on my therapy situation this week so I won’t go into that. I can say that my mood this week hasn’t been the best. Over the last month or so I have been trying to be upbeat and optimistic about things but I’ve just been down. I get into this mindset about why I’m even bothering to stay off drugs and be productive when I am still depressed all the time. I have been trying to blame it on the season or on needing new meds but who am I kidding. It does not matter the season or what meds I’m on, this has been my life for so long.

Anyways, I was trying to keep this post light and apparently that did not happen! Ranting and raving makes me feel better though so something good comes out of it. I hope everyone has a great week.

Deja Vu?

I decided last week that I wanted to return to graduate school and transfer my credits to an online program so that I can stay at my current job but also continue my education. I feel like I’m having deja vu. In the fall of 2017 I decided to enroll in a graduate program that started last year in January 2018. At first I did great but I was also working full time and had to drive 4+ hours to school and eventually got so burnt out that I missed two many classes. I actually ended up relapsing shortly after all of this happened.

I don’t want to get to that point again so I’m trying to take precations and be aware of what I’m putting on my plate. I think having everything online and being able to do my school work at home or work (I work third shift 3 nights a week and am able to do homework) will be ideal for me. The four hour commute was torcher last year, plus being around people I don’t know makes me anxious.

I also am only going to take six credits to start out vereses the twelve I took last year. How I thought it was a good idea to be working full time while attending school full time is beyond me. I get in these stages where I feel invincible and like I can conquer the world. Historically though, it only lasts a few months before I’ve abandoned everything on to the next plan or idea. I’m really trying not to do that this time. I am going to plan out a schedule and try to follow it, as I’m much more productive when I’m organized.

I am suppose to start my online program on March 11, wish me luck!