Update – October 27, 2019

I have been grappling with the idea up an ‘update’ post for the last couple of months. I didn’t want to write an update, promising myself that I would write regularly again only to let myself (and readers) down. I apologize for the radio silence. 

I have been struggling in every way possible for the last seven months. I relapsed and spiraled completely out of control. I stopped taking my meds. I went through an intense break up which somehow made that spiral even worse. I impulsively left my job and stopped attending my online classes. My mental health has deteriorated significantly. 

The relapse was rough, like every relapse is. I spent every hour of every day getting high or making money to get high. Going weeks without sleeping or eating, doing things I really did not want to do in order to use.

 I overdosed in a gas station bathroom on the fourth of July and had to be resuscitated by paramedics. I have overdosed many times in the past and was given Narcan, but this time was different. Reading the court affidavits scared me because there was literally no life to me when I was found. It’s hard to believe I was so close to death. I haven’t used heroin since that day and have been working hard to quit everything else. 

I recently started a new job and am trying to get back into the gym and other activities that I know I enjoy. It is SO hard to do though. All I want to do is sleep constantly or find a way to numb my pain. Thankfully, I have insurance again and will be seeing my doctor and therapist this coming week. 

This wasn’t really what I had in mind for an update post, but it will do the job for now. I will elaborate more on all of this at a later date. Thank you for reading.